On Writing

A semi-stream-of-consciousness piece about writing

Feb 04, 2023

I took a nap this morning. I had a dream about writing. It's starting to fade even as I begin typing this but I know it was about a writing project. For a mass com course probably. I made a claim about something in a discussion. The other person asked for citation. I said I didn't have any yet. But I said in my research I was going to seek out supportive sources that were written or researched by non cis-white-men. And I continued on in my dream about how cis-white-men write so much of the published words in the world and more of the words written by non-men and non-white people need to be cited and shared. That thought was important enough to rouse my conscious mind.

I woke up gradually, not fully awake; my brain began thinking about this article as it started to coalesce in my mind. I thought about how writing is eternal and essential. I thought about how my writing practice and skill is varied and unique as well as often described as interesting and insightful. I thought about how despite my skill and predilection, I avoid writing like a recalcitrant child avoids their vegetables at dinner because they want ice cream. I thought about how as soon as I slowed my words enough to write them the flow of thoughts would be choked and stalled and the font of inspiration would trickle and die. And as I lie here barely conscious, tapping on my phone the thoughts are fading like fog under the midmorning sun.

I am writing on my phone this morning because it's both more accessible than my laptop or paper and because with predictive keyboard technology it's generally a lot faster than any other non-verbal form of recording thoughts. There's an argument for voice notes over written notes when that kind of inspiration strikes, but alas I don't live in an environment where I feel comfortable doing that and it's also an awkward practice for me. Maybe someday.

I took an Adderall before my nap. I think that helped me wake with so many ideas and thoughts. And it also helped my nap be a mere 90 minutes rather than 3+ hours. My body is really good at sleeping during the day. Not as much in the middle of the night.

When I think about writing as a concept my brain immediately connects those thoughts to this substack. Two years ago I made a social media post saying I should start a blog. I did collect some of my writings and I have been better about collecting my writings and ideas since then but they never actually materialized into an actual blog. This January I subscribed to my third substack and I wondered whether I could utilize this forum for my own long-form writing which so often is wasted among the short-form scribbles of other social media.

However I get paralyzed by this idea of starting off on the right foot. Whatever that means. Obviously when we start going from point A to point B we don't consciously choose which foot to begin walking with. We just walk. It's automatic. And generally which foot we begin walking with has no bearing on the outcome of the journey or our ability to reach some destination. And yet we use this idiom “get started on the right foot” to describe beginning a project or relationship or job or whatever in the "right" or best way possible. And the idea of possibly starting something wrong or badly and that doing so would have a profound impact on that things value or probability of success is horrific. So I don't start.

Then there's my track record of abandoned projects and ideas. I vividly remember at a coffee shop, I purchased a sticker. I thought "I have my notebook I can put the sticker in the notebook to keep it safe" so I pull out my notebook, set it down, receive my coffee cup from the barista, put my notebook away, step over to the condiment bar to fill my cup, and look back to the counter and see the sticker still sitting there where I left it. I laughed at myself and explained to the curious barista what I'd done.

His response I'll never forget:
"sounds like a really great idea with a complete lack of follow through."

And I just stood there flabbergasted. This barista had unknowingly just described a fundamental sticking point of most of my life. Sure in the context of putting away a sticker it was no big deal. I just pulled the notebook out again and put the sticker away. But in the larger context of my life, lack of follow through has been one of the most detrimental symptoms of my ADHD and other spicy brain stuff. Not only do I leave ideas un executed, but I also begin projects (often) and leave them unfinished in various states of completion and many never get touched again.

In fact the post about starting a blog in Jan 2021 was referring to a blog I'd started wayyy back in 2010 or so that had a whooping FOUR whole posts. One of which still gets views and Pinterest pins to this day. (I'll bring that post over here someday, maybe)

So this double whammy of perfection paralysis and fear of leaving yet another project started and abandoned has been haunting me for weeks while I've pondered this Substack.

But when I woke up thinking about writing I could have just lain there and let the thoughts go until I had to pee and got up and forgot them. But instead I grabbed my phone. Started tap tap tapping trying really hard not to worry too much about format or order or context. I managed to write this. Now I'm going to pee. And then I'm going to post this on my substack. Maybe with a few organizational edits, maybe with some more words. Maybe exactly how it exists in this Google Keep document (bless Google Keep for real though). Either way, I'm going to post these words. As my first post on The Honeycomb Brain of Julia Star. Because there's no such thing as starting off on the "right" foot. Because right and wrong are subject moralist myths of subjugation and I have too much to say to keep those words locked behind my own fears. Happy Friday.

The Honeycomb Brain of Julia Star Art

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